Chuck Norris is My Co-Pilot

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever!

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. (We all know his "fighter's diet")

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered choke is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1 of Chuck Norris's farts..

Chuck Norris’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris and Dan Black walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if that woodchuck was Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in California have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chuck Sized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

I heard he has never lost a sock.

I also heard he can pee his name in concrete.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Apparently, Chuck Norris doesn't pay for any of his meals, people pay him to eat with them.

I heard Chuck chokes squirell necks

I saw Chuck Norris slam a revolving door....

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.

Chuck Norris Doesnt Read Books - He stares Them Down Until He Get The Information He Wants

Chuck Norris is so fast that when he goes to turn the light off before he goes to bed he is in his bed before the room goes dark

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch because he decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris is suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that is why there is no life there